lovely jubbly london

The IVF Diaries, Part IV

Monday, 22 February

Well, after two hours attempting to get my blood my veins finally complied. The lady said she could tell I was stressed (really?!) because every time she went into a vein, it would move or collapse. They finally made me leave the room and drink 5 glasses of water before someone else attempted it. Got the call in the evening that my hcg went up to 268. Still not doubling and a Dr called and confirmed it could be ectopic. 

Tuesday, 23 February

I called my GP this morning and told her what was going on and asked for a referral to the Early Pregnancy Unit at the hospital. She called back and told me to go straight away because it could be quite serious and she didn't want to be responsible if something happened to me. I ended up waiting until after lunch because I honestly felt fine and knew if I felt ill my work would call an ambulance or put me in a taxi. Anyway, the nurses at the EPU were so wonderful. Very kind and caring and genuinely concerned. They did another blood draw so they would have their own baseline and booked me in for a scan on Friday. Hopefully they will be able to locate where the pregnancy is- I'm so praying it isn't in a tube and I can have a normal, natural miscarriage if that is the case. 

Wednesday, 24 February

Crap. The EPU just called at 9pm to tell me to come in tomorrow. Now of course I'm worried even though she told me not to be. Kinda hard not to when they call you out of hours. A consultant wants to see me tomorrow since my hcg went up in 24 hours from 268 to 355 and my progesterone is 90. I guess they don't want my levels to get too high if it is ectopic. I'm not ready to make a decision...

Thursday, 25 February

Got to the EPU and was called back for blood. The nurse wasn't sure why I was there!! I was like well they called last night and told me to come in and really freaked us out. She said she could see that they called but it wasn't really necessary since I had an appointment tomorrow. I have to go back tomorrow as scheduled.

Friday, 26 February

Finally got my scan today. My tubes weren't visible on the scan which is a good thing since they only show up when fully blocked. That doesn't mean things won't change, but so far so good. They did see what could possibly be a small sac (too small for our dates) so we're praying, hoping and wishing that the embryo implanted in the right spot and is just not healthy. I go back in a week for another scan to check for any changes. 

The IVF Diaries, Part III

6 February 2010

Today was the day of our embryo transfer! We went in not knowing how many would still be thriving on day 5. I was so nervous and they make you drink lots of water before transfer to help them see everything on the scan and to get the catheter in. Full bladder + nervousness = not a good combination! The embryologist popped her head through the window and let us know we definitely had one clear winner- a fully expanded blastocyst- and an early blast (or pre-blast?). We, well I, decided to transfer both of them. I had always said if we made it to that stage and didn't do PGD testing we should transfer two. If there could have been a guarantee that the smaller was freezable I would of let it be frozen but I just couldn't chance getting a call tomorrow and hearing it wasn't suitable for freezing. The embryologist did say if they had done a day 3 transfer those two would have been transferred anyway so I didn't doubt my decision. At least not until the husband was like, are you sure?! Then I had a slight doubt but knew I wanted to transfer both anyway. Our clinic is very big on procedure and we must have been asked our names and dates of births about fifteen times. The embryos are stored in an electronic storage system that uses a key card to release them and we must have been shown that key card at least four times as well! The worse part of the whole experience was the fear. It actually wasn't that bad and didn't feel painful at all. In fact, my IUI was more painful. The nurse was like look, you can see the catheter on the screen- um, no thanks! I was trying to keep my mind preoccupied rather than think about what was going on down below! 

So here is our first picture of what hopefully will become our baby (or babies):

The larger of the two is the fully expanded blast. 

14 February 2010

Our official test day is tomorrow and since we both have to go to work, we decided to test today. 

 

Luckily, it's very obviously positive. In fact, I don't know that I have ever had one quite so positive! Since we didn't go through with PGD we're hopefully going to be monitored quite closely from here on out. I have to call my clinic tomorrow and give the result and then call the genetics department of the other hospital and hopefully be booked in for a scan. So we're excited, but nervous... and praying third time is the charm. 

19 February 2010

Today we got news we didn't want. From Wednesday to Friday, my hcg only went from 127 to 152. This is more than likely not a viable pregnancy. I go back Monday for confirmation, but it doesn't look good. Our next step will probably be more testing to make sure we know absolutely everything that is going wrong. I'm just *really* hoping this is not an ectopic pregnancy as I don't want to have to undergo anymore surgery right now. I never really thought about going through all this and it not working.

The IVF Diaries, Part II

28 January 2010

Had to be to the clinic early this morning for another scan and blood test. I got in quite quickly for the scan but had a long wait for the nurse and ended up being 30 minutes late for work! It now looks like I have four lead follies which basically means they are growing faster than the others. I must admit, I'm a bit disappointed. The others are still there, they are just smaller. I'm really hoping & praying they start to grow and catch up to the others. If we don't get a good number we probably won't do the PGD portion of the IVF as they need a a good number of embryos for it. The nurse also told me my estrogen level at my last appointment was 885 which is good. My next appointment is scheduled for Saturday (at 8:30am- ouch!) and it looks like egg collection may be on Monday.

30 January 2010

Was at the clinic so early that when I walked to the station it was virtually dark. Luckily, it wasn't that busy so it was a quick visit. My estrogen has risen to over 2200 which is a good sign and my 4 lead follies are still growing strong. Some of the smaller ones have grown a bit, so I am praying some catch up enough to be mature. At this point I am willing to try every old wives tale possible and am regularly resting a hot water bottle on my ovaries. My egg collection will definitely happen on Monday which means that tonight is my last injection of Menopur and I get the lovely added benefit of setting my alarm for 1am to take my special Ovitrelle injection. The last one is supposed to allow your eggs to mature and be ready to taken out. After that no more drugs- Sunday will be my first day in over a month I have not had to take anything!

31 January 2010

The nurse ended up calling yesterday afternoon to push back my trigger shot to 1:30am. I made sure to read the pamphlet that came with the shot before I went to bed so I would know what to do. I felt quite groggy when the alarm went off but made the trek downstairs and got it out of the fridge. It was hard to open (in a sealed tray) and when I took the lid off the needle some large drops fell out! I'm really hoping they put a little extra in there otherwise I lost some valuable medicine. I'm also now terrified I am going to ovulate early. I now get to look forward to the joy of getting a train at 6:30am to make it to the clinic for admission in the morning. Hope I can sleep well tonight, but I seriously doubt it!

 
 

1 February 2010

We woke up at 5am to some snow on the ground. We got ready, packed a bag and made our way to the station by flashlight. One of our trains was delayed but luckily we were only about 5 minutes late to the hospital. Once we checked in we were brought up to our room and got settled in. They brought the husband up some breakfast which was really unfair- I made him move away from me because I could smell it. The anesthesiologist was the first one to see me and she asked me some general questions and wanted to know if I would mind her doing acupuncture while I was out to help with the pain. I said no problems and later wished I would of asked of her where she put the needles just so I would have known. The doctor was next in the room and he said even though I wasn't supposed to go down until 1pm, he was fast and I would probably be down around 11am. He was right and about 11:30am they had me go down. They gave me one of the most unique hospital gowns I had ever seen- if you had major surgery or were cold they could hook it up to a machine and it would warm you! 

 

They let me walk to the lift, but then made me get on the bed once inside. That is when I started to get nervous! I kept repeating Joshua 1:9 in my head to try and calm myself. I was quickly wheeled into a room and given my anesthesia. It took forever to find a vein and a minute for the anesthesia to actually start working. All I remember is saying, "okay, I'm finally starting to feel woozy now." Next thing I knew it was just past 12pm and I was waking up in recovery. The one thing that shocked me was I had a tube down my throat! I was not expecting that at all and my throat has been sore ever since. I was brought up to my room to finish recovery and they brought in tea, coffee and biscuits. I actually kept making the husband put sugar in mine which I never do. I guess I was having sugar withdraw! Then all the sudden the fire alarm started sounding. We though it was just a test, but they actually came and made the husband leave! The nurse said to me not to worry because I was behind fire doors and had about 4 hours of safe time. I started to get worried and all I could think was that I was going to need to watch the news to find out what was going on and the remote was way across the room and I couldn't get it since I was still hooked up to machines. Luckily, after another 30 minutes, the husband was allowed back up. Shortly after they brought us both lunch and I was starving so I ended up eating part of the husbands too! Desert was carrot cake which I took as a good sign since that is my father's favourite. I was told if I walked a bit and went to the bathroom they would let me leave shortly. Well, when I stood up there was a minor complication so they made me stay another hour to be monitored. It wasn't serious, they just really wanted to make sure I felt okay before leaving. 

2 February 2010

Got the call that out of 5 mature eggs collected, all 5 fertilised! 100% fertilisation is the best news possible (normal is 60-70%), now they just have to grow & divide. Throat is still really sore... 

4 February 2010

As the nurse promised, she called right at 8am. At this point we have:

• 1- 8 cell, grade 2
• 1- 7 cell, grade 2
• 1- 5 cell, grade 2
• 1- 5 cell, grade 2-3
• 1- 2 cell, grade 2

Since the 2 cell is now out of the picture and hasn't grown since day one, that leaves us four embryos. If we decide to do PGD at this point we would more than likely cause damage to the 5 cell embryos since they would be left with 3 cells. The husband and I always said if we did PGD we would do it to all of them and since that isn't possible, we decided not to do it. The nurse kept making sure that I knew that any affected embryos would most likely miscarry and I know that is a risk we have to take. We are now scheduled from embryo transfer on Saturday and praying we have at least two to transfer. 

The IVF Diaries

I was going to wait to post my IVF diaries until I was in what hopefully would be the second trimester of a healthy pregnancy. Unfortunately yesterday we received the news we didn't want. While I am pregnant, my hcg levels are not good. This is more than likely not a viable pregnancy. I kept notes throughout my first IVF cycle because I knew how much it meant to me to read other bloggers stories about their own experiences. Hopefully my own story will help someone else not be so nervous of what is a scary process.

I really could use all your good thoughts and prayers during this time. I'm really quite nervous because I have never had this happen before with my hcg levels. While my other pregnancies never continued, I never had an issue with hcg levels. Low rising levels can be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy and after all this I really don't more surgery or to risk losing a tube. 

12 January 2010

2 weeks of the pill down and today was my first scan. We were hoping to see a thin lining, but unfortunately mine is a bit thick. I'm to stop taking the pill immediately and start taking this medicine that you sniff. It hopefully will quiet my ovaries. (Funny how to get pregnant using IVF they put you on the pill and something to stop your ovaries!)

19 January 2010

Back to the clinic this morning for another scan. Since my lining was a bit thick last time they had to make sure there were no cysts or anything on my ovaries (there wasn't). Met with the nurse who handed me a big bag of needles, syringes and a sharps bin. I had to go back to work so had to juggle all my bags around to hide the evidence!

20 January 2010

First injection was last night and wow, was it a process! I'm sure it will get easier as they go on, but I have to mix 4 vials of Menopur with 1.5 vials of solution and try not to leave any of the expensive bits behind. The nurse drilled into my head not to leave even 1 drop!

25 January 2010

Went back to the clinic for my first stims scan. All that means is they checked the stimulating medicine (Menopur) was working. It was! They estimated about 10-11 follies were showing and I am so thankful! Now they just have to grow. They all measured under 11mm and they need to be mature before they can go in and do egg collection (EC). Since we're a special case and are doing PGD, they can only do EC on certain days. I'm really hoping they are mature by next Monday otherwise we may have to wait until the Friday. When I was leaving the clinic I noticed my arm felt wet and touched my sweater and it was blood. They had taken my blood and it wouldn't stop bleeding. I went back upstairs and had to go sit with a nurse until it stopped. They also sent me away with a pack in case it started again. Fun times!

please try again later

So the iui was unsuccessful. We knew it was a long shot and there was only a small chance it would work, but it didn't.... it is still disappointing. 

What this means has yet to be decided. I need to call the clinic tomorrow and tell them it didn't work. They are applying for a license to do the specialised procedure we need. I will see what the status is and if they say it is a few months away we may need to look into other clinics. As much as I love them (and I really do, would highly recommend them to anyone!) I don't want to put anything off indefinitely. 

We did get a letter from the NHS hospital we hated and they are willing to let us meet with the special team. What the means I haven't a clue. Maybe since they know we're willing to self pay they are willing to grant us one meeting. Whether I'm actually willing to give them our money is another matter. We also will look into another clinic in London that does the procedure. I haven't found many reviews on them which is worrying. Our only other option in the UK is a place in Nottingham that has gotten several good reviews and made the news on several occasions. It is only 2 hrs by train from London so wouldn't be too difficult. 

So many decisions to be made...

it's done

This week has been a whirlwind. I had my 2nd scan on Monday and to everyones surprise, including my own, I responded well to the drugs. I had 3 small (measuring 14) follies on my right and 3 large (17-18) on my left. Since the large ones were so close to being prime (around 20) they had me do an ovitrelle shot that night and the IUI was today. The absolute max you can have for this procedure is 3 so we are lucky the other side was smaller. I was so nervous before it all went down that I felt a bit sick, but now I'm home relaxing. So this does mean I can have multiples which is scary, but with our history even starting out with more than 1 doesn't mean success. I don't think I'll ever really be able to relax, but I'm really hoping we get 1 to stick around! Oh and the mean doc I mentioned before sent us a letter he had sent to our GP saying with my issues he doesn't see me responding to stimulation. I can't wait to write him a letter saying with the low dose of drugs I was on got 6 follies! He thought I wouldn't get more than 5 on IVF drugs which are so much more intense. I only wish I could see the look on his smug face when he reads it, although he may not believe me.

no. 1

After several nights of pills, injection number 1 was tonight. I was a nervous wreck. As I filled the syringe I began to feel warm and sweaty knowing what was to come. The 2nd vial I had a hard time getting up without any bubbles, but I finally did it. As I stood there with it in my hand I had to pause and take some deep breaths before attempting to stick it in. I knew what I had to do, but felt frozen. Once it was in, it was actually much harder to push the plunger down then I thought. It seemed like it took ages to get it all injected. I breathed a sigh of relief once it was over- several in fact! Now my belly feels a bit odd at the injection site and I must admit to being afraid it would all squirt out. Silly, I know. The bright side is I don't have to do this again until Saturday.

out of the bag

So, I'm going to address something I normally don't- with anyone. In person or otherwise. I mainly don't like to because it makes some people uncomfortable or they think because they don't have this particular problem that I think differently of them or need to be protected. Or they don't really understand it and think it's all a bit in the head and tell you to relax. 

Well, I am okay. Really okay. I just have this little problem called infertility. It's horrible and not fun, but for some reason it's part of my journey. I take the good with the bad and try to go with the flow. I'm okay with other people having children, sure I may be a little green with envy, but you're having (or had) your child, not mine. Mine is still waiting somewhere. Whether I will get to have a biological child or not remains to be seen. I will wait and try to be patient- after all, it is a virtue, admittedly not one normally associated with me. Yes, I often think "if you only knew" when I hear people complaining about not being pregnant after a few months of trying, but the only way to know is to go through it and I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. 

This past week has been particularly trying.  I've had two appointments with two new doctors. One went well, one went horribly bad. So bad I can't even put it into words just how bad. Let's just say I don't think I could ever, ever allow them to ever treat me. I couldn't bear to think of paying them one cent. The bad dr. man lacked any sort of compassion and was more concerned with his statistics then treating a case like mine. He basically asked us to go away and carry on as normal. If we got pregnant on our own, good for us, there was no other option given.

Sounds great, go away and try to get pregnant! Hope it happens, but well let me lay it out for you dear reader- we have multiple diagnoses of problems that would make (and do make) getting pregnant very difficult. Lets see we have:

• balanced reciprocal translocation on the husband's side
• high fsh and low amh on my side
• and today's new diagnosis of endometriosis on my side  

 The fun just doesn't stop with this party! The more, the merrier! Let me break it down for those that aren't familiar with those medical terms. 

The husband has a rare chromosomal condition where two of his chromosomes tips switched places. He is perfectly fine as he has all the material, two little parts just switched places. No problems for him, but when trying to conceive the resulting child needs half of the husband's chromosomes and half of mine. If they get his two halves that have tips that switched places, fine. If they get his two good halves, fine. If they get one of his halves that switched, but not the other then it's a disaster. Any child who happened to get one bad half would have around a 1% chance of being born. Meaning miscarriage, two of which I have had already. Those aren't fun, but I feel good knowing that this was probably the reason. That my body recognised something was wrong and did what it had to do. A decision I don't know if I could make on my own.

Now on my side of things, I have fsh and amh issues. What that means is eggs. Both tests show I don't have as many as I should have left. Did you know that you actually have the most eggs you will ever have in your entire life when you are in the womb? As you are born, you actually lose millions. My numbers aren't that bad, but they aren't that good. People have gotten pregnant with worse. Today, I had a test which showed I now also have endo on my right ovary. Luckily, it isn't that bad right now. It will have to be monitored, but can be treated with surgery if it gets worse. 

Back to today. Today I had a second appointment at the most wonderful fertility clinic. It all started last night with our consultation. We met with a doctor who actually sat with us and understood. She understood where we were coming from, what we had been through, and what we wanted more than anything else- a baby. Yes, we have lots of problems on our side, but they didn't scare her. She wants to understand everything before we go through IVF so we all know what is the best way to proceed. When she found out where I was in my cycle she gave us an option to do something else now instead of waiting some more. So instead of IVF, starting today I am beginning an IUI. Very similar, but not quite as intense or expensive. This morning I went in for my 1st scan and picked up my drug regimen. Starting today, this is my life. This is what I will be doing while trying to stay sane. Yesterday, I had no clue what was going to happen next. Last night, I learned we're going to give it 150% and try this IUI procedure. If it doesn't work, that is fine. We're trying something. Even if I get pregnant again, it may end in another miscarriage. At that point we'll reassess and move forward with IVF if that is what needs to happen. We are trying and that is all that matters. 

This is my life.